He’s eager. It’s nice that he’s eager. After a while of not having someone being so eager about me, it’s nice to have someone who is. We haven’t met yet. We’ve exchanged messages online, a few texts, and this afternoon we had a brief chat on the phone. Over the past two weeks, he’s tried a couple of times to try and arrange a meet, but I’ve been busy, then he’s been busy. Tomorrow we’re meeting. Just for an hour. He has to get home by 6pm, and I’ll be done by 4. He’s coming around at 4pm. He’s eager. He looked at my blog and sent me a message to say that he likes what he saw, that he thinks I’m a good writer.

“Flattery will get you far,” I write back.

He says he wants the meeting to be beautiful. He’s a Scorpio, and they scare me. He even looks like a Scorpio ex of mine who was quite hard to handle at the end of it all. He didn’t necessarily lash out, but there was a sting to his tail. There was something venomous about him. Later I actually found out that he’d barebacked with some guy who is/was negative and didn’t know that the Scorpio guy was positive. That’s kind of toxic. But my god he was sexy. And he had the kind of tail you’d want to put in his butthole, though when we were together I was the one putting the tail in. And I’m glad I did, because there was quite a long period during which we were having unsafe sex. What happened in the end is that he was kind of begging me to stay. That scared me. But there is a part of me that is exhilarated by that, too. I’m usually the one who begs a guy to stay, even if I never say it, that’s the stand I take. My entire being is screaming: Stay, even while I’m walking away.

Tomorrow the new Scorpio will come round. I’m looking forward to it. And yes, I, too, hope that it will be beautiful. My friend P. says to put into words (make a list) of what you want in a lover. 1) One of my oldest desires and fantasies for a boyfriend is to have someone who I can collaborate with, someone with whom I’d make films, write books, perform. We’d be a collaborating couple. And Mr Scorpio is an artist, and a writer, and an actor. I have fantasies already of collaborations. 2) I want a man who has a full life, a life he’s engaged in, a life that interests him and gives him stimulation. 3) I want a man who values what I do and enjoys supporting me being the best I can. 4) I want my man to love it when I do the same for him. 4) I want a man who is funny and adventurous and makes me laugh. Who can be silly. Who doesn’t mind making a fool of himself. Who likes to laugh during sex. Who thinks sex is fun, as well as raunchy and serious and intense. Where are we? 10? 10) My man will love my mind and will enjoy challenging it and trying to follow it’s meanderings. He’ll like long conversations. And silence. He’ll be happy to spend days in silence in a hut in the woods.

It’s been over a month now since I was eager about someone. It’ll take me a while to be eager like that again. Mr Scorpio was nice to chat to on the phone, our conversation was fairly easy. It was like talking to a grown-up, and I like that. A picture of his smooth arse helps feel positive about him. He’s about my height, although 6′ in Gaydar feet, might be less, as I discovered with this German guy I’ve been seeing every week this past month.

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